


I can't establish the link to you

by romulan_commander



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Boys In Love, Broken Bones, Developing Relationship, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, References to Drugs, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-23 01:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30047811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romulan_commander/pseuds/romulan_commander
Summary: "I don't think I can go through with this; Jim. I just can't." McCoy replied. "There are things that cannot be. No matter how much you love us."
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 16
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PrairieDawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrairieDawn/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sadness.

"I can't establish the link to you, Leonard." Spock said. The Vulcan removed his hand from the doctor's face.

  
Leonard returned from the shadows. It was the third time in a week that they had tried. He got up from Jim's bed and sighed deeply. He felt cold.

His thought was trapped so far away that he had to blink several times to return to the present.

  
"We can try again, Bones, don't worry." Jim's voice tried to sound positive, but he couldn't make it believable.

  
"I don't think I can go through with this; Jim. I just can't." McCoy replied. "There are things that cannot be. No matter how much you love us."

  
"I wish it too," added the Vulcan. His expression was as impassive as ever. He looked at his hand, as if trying to understand what was wrong.

He wanted the doctor within the bond he had with Jim. I knew it was possible. They had existed other triads in Vulcan history. He felt the attraction, the desire.

"If I couldn't establish a link, there would be no relationship." He couldn't measure the compatibility of his mind with Leonard's.

Jim approached the doctor. He sat down next to him and hugged him. He wanted to merge with him and comfort him. He couldn't let him out of that room.

He wanted to rest his head on his lover's chest.

Leonard pushed it away. His gaze was fixed on Jim. His eyes were shining with the tears they contained and he didn't want them to come out.

His smile was kind when he looked at Spock." I appreciate you tried it. It made me happy that there could be a possibility."

"You can't leave us, Bones. I won't leave you." Jim reached out and tried to touch McCoy's heart. His fingers only touched the void.

  
"We have to talk about all of this. There has to be a logical way to continue," Spock replied.

  
Leonard had risen. He looked at the two men he loved. "You both have to stay together. I'm not going to interfere in this relationship." His voice was calm, but sad.

  
Jim walked over to him and grabbed him by the arms. Spock stepped between the doctor and the door.

  
McCoy began to shake. "At least let me keep my dignity. Let me go."

  
Jim released him and dropped his arms in surrender. Spock turned away from the door and looked down.

  
"In love I have always been wrong. I have been very unhappy." Leonard muttered. He left the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Culpability.

Leonard McCoy came in his room and collapsed into a chair. He remembered that he had a bottle of Saurian Brandy, for special situations. The best idea was not to get drunk. He looked at the bottle and decided to put it away, again." No one needs a crying doctor."

For a while, his two friends had been courting him, like a young lady. As soon as McCoy had allowed them to open a crack in his shell, fear had paralyzed him. Jim's seductive failed attempts, and the most peculiar, on Spock's part had become so evident that half a crew was aware. He remembered the time he was both cornered him in the captain's room and they vowed not to let him out until he confessed how he felt about them. He started by denying everything. For a moment. So Spock put his hand together with his hand and started kissing him with his fingers the Vulcan way. Leonard opened his mouth, closed it again, and was only able to murmur "I love you,dammit."

He started by analyzing the situation from a different point of view. Spock would have been proud of his attempt to bring logic to the fore, setting aside poor human emotions. He was probably a coward. But he felt relief. The Vulcan couldn't be linked to him. Only Spock could be with Jim. He could not be with the old country doctor." Cowardly and stupid."

He wasn't going to have to expose his poor heart to another disastrous love experience. After his divorce, he decided to stay alone. If I had to put her feelings in a jail and throw away the key, no one would find her. The court had handed down a sentence. Sentenced to life in prison.

"Shit, drinking something isn't going to hurt me!" He poured himself a drink. And then another one.

The brandy mixed with tears made him feel culpability.

*************************************************

Meanwhile, Jim and Spock had stayed in the captain's room.

"Is there nothing you can do, Spock?" He asked. He had rested his head in his hands." This is not a whim. I think it's the most important moment of my life." Jim approached his partner and kissed him. He held his vulcan's chin with his fingers.

Spock's eyes were probably the most human thing he had. He looked at Jim as if he wanted to pierce the captain." I've tried the best I knew. There's a wall, an impregnable cliff in the mind of Leonard. I am not able to get through it. And when I try, I'm just rejected and hurted." He squeezed his lips gently.

"Do you know that I love you as much, as I love my live, " Jim cried. "You are my entire worship,but Bones is the other part of my love. I've seen him march like a lost child.Orphan."

A slight sigh came out of Spock's delicate lips." Even if I can't verbalize him that way, Jim, never doubt that I want Leonard with us."

"I know he can't join our relationship any other way. We will have to face reality." The captain's voice sounded as authentic as on the bridge. But he was capable of deceiving everyone but Spock." When had Jim Kirk given up?"

Jim and Spock lay down together in bed and hugged each other. The warmth of physical contact seemed to relax the captain. His hand stroked the Vulcan's chest. His other hand closed tightly, and his fingers clenched against his palm.

Spock had his sights fixed on the ceiling of the room. He knew the wide variety of human emotions he had experienced when joining the Federation.He had controlled them to a greater extent. Some had been as devastating as anger and a desire for revenge. Others, as warm as love and compassion. But there was a snake nesting in his brain. The devil snake had beautiful green eyes, crossed by a black line. He recognized her and named her. It was culpability.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Passion

"Are you sabotaging me, Leonard?" Spock said.

The doctor looked up from PADD. He raised an eyebrow." Good morning, Spock." He answered.

"I still don't know how you do it, but you're preventing my mind from coming together with yours." The Vulcan's voice sounded slightly abrupt.

The doctor moved his head back and forth." Mr. Spock, I don't do anything, consciously."

The Vulcan extended his hand to the doctor's face, but McCoy's gaze caused him to remove it." That's going to cause me more pain, why are you so stubborn? Don't try again, please." He growled." I'm a doctor, not a technological experiment."

"You've been avoiding us for days. And those dark circles indicate you haven't slept too much." Spock put his hands behind his back." You work for hours and hours. No rest. That can only bring you a psychological imbalance. I also deduce that you have lost weight."

McCoy sighed deeply." That's what it's all about, Spock, about being human. Pass a duel. Cry, talk only in one room. Cursing my bad luck. And in time, recompose the pieces of my soul, and continue to live."

"I confess I've always been worried about that emotional part of you, Leonard."

"I've always been worried that you don't value your human side. You belong to two cultures, very different and you are not interested in exploring your possibilities."

Spock kept his face impassive. He only showed a slight flicker." Jim thinks he's completely lost you. He's suffering for you. Your discomfort disturbs me."

Leonard got up from his chair and started walking around the room." I'd like to know what you're feeling, Spock, you're coming to tell me about Jim, you use it as an excuse to come and see me."

"I've never expressed,what I care about you." Spock touched his heart and looked down. It's just logical. I LOVE you. I WANT you."

The doctor ran out of breath for a few moments." I can't be a part of your lives. I beg you." A pang ran through his chest. In medical school, he had been taught that the heart, as a viscera, did not hurt when it failed. It wasn't true, "How it hurt to have loved them and lost them!."

He paused his thoughts." Take care of that boy. You're the best thing that ever happened to him. If I find out you're hurting him, I swear I'm not going to forgive you. I'll find you and kick that Vulcan ass." McCoy felt that emotion made his voice tremble.

"I would never hurt neither Jim or you. Nor any creature in this universe."

Spock pounced on the doctor. He held his hand and they struggled. The doctor tried to get out of his partner's firm grip. He gasped for the effort. He got stuck against the wall. The Vulcan put his hand on McCoy's face and kissed him.His tongue penetrated his mouth deeply. Leonard tried to kick Spock and escape. He clung to the first officer's shirt, in an attempt to regain control. It was in vain.

"You make me panic, Leonard McCoy, Your overflowing emotions, your complexity, your passion, your sour character, your irony, your love. All of this make me feel human. And to think that all that can flow from your mind to my mind, like a virus that is being transferred.With Jim, I can be in control,but anything can happen with you. You're going to tear me apart."

"Spock, "the doctor groaned, "I want you to be happy."

"No, I can't be human. I can't afford it." Spock was overwhelmed. He closed his eyes and regained control. He let McCoy go and his face was again unperturbed. He stretched out his blue shirt and regained his composure." It's highly illogical. I beg your pardon for my behavior."

"Damn it, we are idiots." McCoy answered him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger.

James T. Kirk was not going to have a good day. He had received a statement from Starfleet and it was bad news. When he found out, he felt a sharp blow to his stomach. He was silent for a couple of minutes. He rolled his eyes.

He asked for explanations, tried to reason, and almost begged.

He sat in his office chair. He had to organize his thoughts. He needed a good speech. He didn't want to break down.

"I need Spock's advice," he thought.

Spock walked into the office. He looked at his mate, and realized his emotional state. His gaze was sad.

"What's wrong, darling?".

"The starfleet has decided to move Bones to a new ship. They need an experienced professional, to train the medical team and run the Sickbay. He has already accepted the proposal. He will go."

"That is not good news," Spock said. "And furthermore, it is highly illogical. You cannot spoil such efficient work on one starship to improve another Sickbay."

"It is not an arbitrary behavior of the Starfleet, Spock. You know perfectly well the worth of Bones. It is simply as if a part of my heart was ripped from me. He has been a part of my life for so long that for me it is essential . ”Jim's eyes watered.

"There must be something you can do,Jim"

"I have made several calls. I have spoken with Admiral Pike. I have tried to ask for personal favors. Everything that has occurred to me," Jim replied. "I need you to be by my side, when I ask Bones for an explanation."

Spock, through his connection with his boyfriend, felt his regret. He reached out to him and stroked his hair, sweetly. He slid his hand over Jim's face, and finally, the Vulcan ran his thumb across Jim´s lips. Jim Kirk kissed Spock´s fingers.

Kirk sighed deeply. "I'm going to call him."

That day, Leonard was happy. For two weeks, no one had been injured on a mission. His job had been reduced to paperwork. After a few emotionally difficult weeks, he was beginning to feel a certain serenity and acceptance. He went to the captain's offices. He walked in and looked at his two friends.

Jim was sitting down and crestfallen. Spock had his hands behind his back and was standing. The atmosphere was gloomy.

"I suppose you already know the new news," he told them. "Yes, It's official."

"The admiralty has decided to transfer you to the new SS Ferdinand ship. Are you going to take over the Sickbay?" Jim asked.

The Vulcan was analyzing the situation: Leave the ship? Leave him and Jim? A confused whirlwind of thoughts, a feeling of abandonment, of loneliness.

"I'd better sit down," he told them. His throat was dry. "I don't want to go anywhere. This is my home, and this is my job. But I think the best thing for the three of us is for me to leave."

"There has to be a way to fix it," Spock told him.

"They are orders of the Admiralty. You know the rules perfectly. They order, I obey," Leonard growled. "

"Bones, you're disappointing me." Jim's voice was shaky. "You know what's the worst? You've done it all behind our backs." He made a sour face.

"You can refuse and leave the Starfleet. You would go into reserve and could practice medicine on Earth." Spock added.

Jim looked at his boyfriend. He knew he was trying to find logical options. He put aside all feelings. "Spock, I think Bones doesn't want to go back to his old life."

"That's right, Jim. When I got on that shuttle to the Academy, I assumed I would have a new life." Leonard replied.

"The orders must be obeyed, doctor. We have a commitment and we have taken an oath." Spock told him. "

Leonard opened his eyes. He was hurt by what he heard. What was the Vulcan saying?

Jim turned his head to his boyfriend. "Spock, I can't believe what you're saying. You love him as much as I do. The most important things in life are not the orders."

"It's what he wants to hear, Jim. He gives up. I don't have to remind you of what happened between the three of us." Spock replied. His dark eyes probed the doctor's.

Leonard stood up. He pointed a finger at the Vulcan. “I don´t give up, Spock.” His voice sounded angry. The comment had hurt him deeply.

Jim crossed his arms and nodded.

"I have decided, that if you are not able to put aside your fears, I will be the one to abandon you both." Jim replied. His face was a stone mask.

Spock and Leonard looked at each other.

"I am not going to waste time. I am not going to bear this emotional torment. I am going to request a transfer to another starship."

"Jim, there's a little problem …… I remind you that you're dating Spock." Leonard muttered.

The captain was on edge. "Really, Bones? Have you ever thought about me? My feelings?" You are the most cowardly man I have ever known. I regret having been your friend. "

Leonard felt himself on the verge of fainting. He opened his mouth, coughed, and his cheeks turned as red as blood.

Jim pointed to the door. "Get out of my way! I don't want to see you anymore!."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love.

There were a number of heavy blows from above, and then a cracked noise. He tilted his head back. It was a window that quickly broke into small fragments. Two figures fell out the window and landed on the ground next to him.

"Jim, Spock!" McCoy moaned. They ran to where he was tied to a table. It had been very dangerous to get into this place, but as long as they would move quickly, getting Leonard out of this damn lab shouldn't be a problem.

"Be careful, Jim, "Spock said, watching the door with a phaser in his hand." They can catch us."

"Bones? Shit, you know what they gave you?" Jim asked him, touching his face, raising his eyelids. His pupils were vastly dilated, but the belts around his arms, legs and chest seemed ordinary, so he began to release them. "All right, let's get you out of here."

"Relax, Leonard, "Spock said, trying to take his hand, and the Vulcan realized he was clenching his fists. "Does it hurt? Are you suffering?"

"No... "the doctor gasped."I thought you didn´t love me.It seemed real.That was a hallucination."

"Close your eyes, "Jim said. "We're going to get you out of here,my love."

"G-good, " the doctor replied. "You are, Jim, " the doctor told, but Jim went to the door again, causing Bones' heart beat hard." Wait for me!" 

"We're real, Bones, you've been drugged."

"Oh,Jim. This has been horrible" He started to cry.Spock held his neck, helped him sit down, threw it against his chest. He grabbed him, squeezing his arms. "Can you get up? I need you to work with me, darling."

Leonard McCoy was kicking his legs, sticky and clumsy. He felt his arms without force. "Is that you, um. Here? Oh boy!.For half a moment, he remembered the sick smell of sweat. The helpless terror that was still upon him. He felt the memory of the blurry, doped nightmare that had lasted more than 24 hours.Distressing delusions.The drugs in his body.

Spock held McCoy in his arms and held him tight. "Yes. We're here."

"Bones, we have to move, " Jim said from the door.

McCoy was still dizzy when he was taken to the shuttle, safely behind double-keyed doors, reinforced windows and the security system at the top.

He was sitting on the bed, his face pressed on Jim's neck, trying not to throw up.

"Bones, "the captain said. Jim was dealing with a lot of psychic luggage right now, because of the terror they had both felt during those 24 hours when McCoy had been missing. He felt Bones´s mind slippery and erratic.

"Help me." Leonard murmured.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Jim pleaded. "We shouldn't have left you there."

He had already vomited down the way back, and was taking smaller, measured sips of salts and water ever since, but he couldn't get his brain cleared.

"Nothing to regret, kid, " Leonard said, rubbing his neck. "I'm not mad at you. I'm upset with Spock, who keeps touching me to make sure I'm okay." He said with a smile."

Jim sighed, raising both hands in apologies.

The captain took a deep breath and reached out as Spock sat next to him. "Thank God, he was real too." They both were. Spock put him in his arms and was warm, solid and reassuring. Jim was talking to him, but Leonard was too focused on his arms around him to bother processing the language.

"Did you say you're hurt, Bones? Did they hurt you?" Jim asked, patting him gently.

Leonard was wearing a torn, dirty uniform. But with the exception of the needle marks on his arms, he didn´t seem hurt .

Taking Bones out of a secret alien lab in Deep Sky planet had left Jim shaking.

"Let's check he's not hurt, " Jim said. He took Bones´s shirt,and throwing it on the floor.

"Leave it to me. "Spock said, surprising them both with his tenderness as he relieved Leonard in his arms so Jim could take Leonard´s pants . It seemed that the more they touched it, the better it felt, so they checked him from head to toe.

"Stay, " Leonard said to Spock, when he seemed to want to check the perimeter again "Let's stay with him until the others get here." Jim told him.

"P-please, "The doctor said with a shiver, and Jim transferred it into his arms, lifted him up against his chest, letting him drink from a bottle of water resting on his belly.

"It's all been a terrible hallucination. I dreamt I'd lose you. Oh, well, " Leonard said.

He felt sick and dizzy still, but sure, anchored.

Soon, he'd be in the Sickbay, to ask him more questions and prick him and do tests, and tomorrow, he'd feel better. They'd make sure he hadn't been injected with anything more fucked up than sodium pentotal and those alien drugs, but right now, right here, he had everything that mattered, everything he needed. Jim and Spock´s love.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language.  
> 


End file.
